Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.


Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.


Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

When you become senile, you won't know it.