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Thursday, June 19, 2008 | 3:06 PM
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -- Rodney Dangerfield I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. -- Rodney Dangerfield My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. -- Wendy Leibman Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' -- Rodney Dangerfield So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.' -- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. -- Jimmy Carter I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' -- Tommy Cooper I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. -- Spike Milligan |
